“How do you do it?”
For some reason, as a mama of seven, I get this question fairly often.
Usually I think it’s not a sincere, “let me in on your secret” type of inquiry, but just a friendly way of showing that the speaker respects my ability to stay halfway sane while I (as they see it) corral more than half a dozen pint-sized hoodlums practically 24/7. Uh-hmm.
I never know how to respond to this question, partly because I don’t think I do “it” very well (whatever “it” is), and partly because I assume the person asking isn’t really interested in any of the answers I have to give. But maybe they are . . . maybe I just need to prepare an articulate answer beforehand so that I can say something besides “Uhh, do what?” and, perhaps, make a small dent in some stereotypes.
So here are some answers I’ve considered. How do I do it?
Five Possible Answers
1. “I don’t; I went crazy long ago, and the children just run the house themselves.” There might be an ounce of truth in this option, but I suppose it’s too obvious that I am still working hard at this motherhood thing, even if I do occasionally feel that I’m going batty in the process. =)
2. “I don’t do it alone; I have an amazing husband who works from home much of the time, and he is both a great spiritual leader and a willing servant when I get stuck and need help.” This is true, but I know many people don’t have my situation, and I don’t want anyone to think that successful motherhood depends solely or even primarily on having a godly husband who is available most of the time. Many godly single moms, military moms, widows, or unequally yoked women are very successful in motherhood because they stay very close to their God.
3. “I’ve learned to say no to a lot of things that other people do.” Also true, but I’d need to add…
4. “I don’t do it as well as you probably think.”
Still, none of those answers are what I really want to say. What I want to say to the one who asks me “How do you do it?” is this:
5. “The same way you do anything difficult that you think God wants you to do—by trusting Him, seeking wisdom from good counselors, obediently taking the next step, falling flat down and seeking Him for grace to begin again, . . . and Never. Giving. Up. Mothers of many are not such strange birds as our culture makes us out to be. The only reason we seem that way is because there are so few of us these days. But we don’t have any magic source of patience or wisdom that you don’t have if you’re a believer—we abide in the same Vine and have the same Comforter.”
If the asker really wanted to keep listening after all that, I might explain further: It’s not that what we do is so much harder than the goals other women are pursuing—running a marathon, having a successful business, etc. (and I know some moms of many who do those things, too, in addition to raising Christ-loving families). Yes, I need copious amounts of self-control and perseverance; so does the marathon runner. I daily cry out for patience and wisdom and kindness; so might the entrepreneur. Motherhood and homemaking require a different skill set than business management or running, but not necessarily different character qualities. No, what makes people want to say “How do you do it?” to the mom of many is that first, our culture mocks and disdains these character qualities in moms while celebrating them in almost everyone else, and second, the skill set required for being a mom of many is rare since for the most part it is no longer taught or admired, while new how-to books and courses on fitness and business hit the web every day and sell like crazy.
Supermoms and Success
My point? Not that moms of many need to seek more affirmation in the world or even in the church. “Let another man praise thee,” Proverbs says, and if at the end of my life eight souls (my husband and children) rise up and call me blessed, that will be enough. Actually, if my Lord says “Well done, thou good and faithful servant,” that will be enough, and anyone else’s recognition will just have been an added blessing. It’s all undeserved, anyway; who am I, a poor, rotten sinner, to have been chosen, redeemed, and made a child of the King of Kings? Who am I to get to serve Him by serving my husband and raising up seven souls for His glory? No, we don’t need any Supermom Awards.
Rather, my point is that whatever we’re doing, if we’re truly successful, it’s because we are abiding in Christ, and He is living through us. I shouldn’t be accepting the accolades of anyone who thinks I’m amazing just because I’m doing something not many people do these days. I’m NOT amazing. Yes, I wish more Christian women would be open to the possibility of having more children; I think we would be far better off as a society if Christians valued children as much as Christ does. But what we need first and foremost is not a movement of people who decide to have more children. What we need is a movement of people who decide to follow Christ whole-heartedly in every area of life and to obey Him at all costs, no matter what He leads them to do.
The Lamb Is Worthy
Because ultimately, it’s all about Him. Jesus Christ is the wonderful Savior who died a gruesome death for me, that I might know Him as my perfect, loving Shepherd and honor Him as my lion-like King. He is the one pouring out all-sufficient grace day by day, giving me the desire and power to do what He commands and forgiving my all-to-frequent failures to obey. He is worthy of all my measly first-world “sacrifices”—every condescending look I accept with grace, every “like” I miss out on because I’m serving my children instead of seeking superfans—just as He is worthy of the more tangible sacrifices of those around the world who even now are giving up their homes and jobs and future security and even their lives in order to be true to Christ.
You know whom I want to ask “How do you do it?” The Christian refugee who is raising her children in a tent, trying to protect them while not knowing where their next meal will come from or whether she’ll ever see her husband again. The missionary in the jungle who has found the right balance between serving the poor and loving her own family. The moms who homeschool and run a household well while also running a marathon or a business. Any mom who raises kids that truly love God, love others, and count it a privilege to serve and suffer for Him. And you know what I think they would all tell me? They do it the same way you do anything difficult that you think God wants you to do—by trusting Him, seeking wisdom from good counselors, obediently taking the next step, falling flat down and seeking Him for grace to begin again, . . . and Never. Giving. Up.
